Over and over on the road to embodiment, we practice coming back to our heart, to our awareness as pure consciousness, going beyond identification with form. "You are God also, now act like it" ~Adamus Saint Germain. So, How do you master catching your balance and acting like God also? Be willing to ride and fall, over and over without judgment, with a determined awareness to master the ride, and accept nothing less. It's well known that you, as the human/mind/ego, does not acheive enlightenment. You welcome your eternal essence in and choose over and over to align with that part of you that has never been anything but complete, divine, wise, perfect, and benevolent. However, to bring that essence into this body, you gotta just keep riding that damn bike, full on trusting it will eventually sprout wings and you will soar!
We all have totally unique paths, but I'd say we have the same overall journey on earth, first to forget, and then to remember and realize our true, eternal nature. Ah yes, and then stay integrated as our highest wisdom, not getting sucked back into any old crap. When I dove over the threshold of Self Realization in 2015, bits of Cathy shattered, forever gone. If I hadn't returned to the body, I would have ascended and left this physical plane to explore elsewhere in the Universe, but I streamed back into the body in a single tone, clear and crisp. I could no longer worry about the future, or truly identify with the body, mind, or world. However, many bits of my human creation were partitioned away to be fully integrated step by step, so the body could transform into a portal of pure consciousness, pristine new energy, and love.
I've only just begun to realize the gift of this gradual integration. Mastering the seemingly insurmountable challenges in this dense reality quenches our thirst for freedom. Our true essence has never been anything except free, so having the perception of containment while knowing our true nature creates an immense friction, which can be a powerful catalyst for change! One of my most passionate desires has been "imperturbability!", which could be translated into clarity, unnaffectability, or total immunity to everything. Why should I, as Creator, be affected by the world? It should be the other way around. That being said, I've jumped into new adventures and lost my balance many, many times to ensure freedom.
Last year, I launched my new website. After years of teaching yoga, breath, energy work, etc., it felt amazing to kick off my own unique creation and make videos that flowed like a wave of information through me. I had no goals or plans for where it would go, just a passion that arose from within to create and create some more. My only job was to let it flow without holding back, going beyond the fear of exposing my unorthodox expression. Sounds cool huh?? Well... my mind thought otherwise! With no business plan, destination, or real definition for the mind, it started to get impatient and confused. Letting everything arise and flow from and as pure consciousness is new territory. My mind says it likes new territory, but really that's only if it's included in the planning so it can have some control. My old life included managing teams, projects, businesses, so I'm familiar with planning, speaking, leading, marketing, etc. My new way of living has been one step at a time, everything arising from my essence, with zero mental planning or visibility into the future. This breaks down old survival patterns, and more importantly, makes more room for me, my essence, to inhabit this body!
First, The handle bar started to wobble when I was invited as a guest speaker by a friend who has a website on living New Earth. During the weeks preceding this show, besides feeling the consciousness of the group that would be joining us, I felt my own insecure identities coming forth. You could describe them as unworthy, repulsive, lowly, and downright despicable aspects. I spent many days just breathing away on the couch watching all this old consciousness swirl through my heart, breath by breath, as pure awareness. Polarity just is. Some of these voices or thought I was the King Shit & some harshly criticized me. I watched and breathed, waving goodbye, it's just all judgment.
Next, the whole bike started to really shake when I was offered to submit my bio for a book on awakening. I've never been a writer, but what the heck. After submitting the short story from my website, I was asked to revise it for an awakening audience and go into my early years of hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams? A tidal wave of angry childhood aspects answered with a "hell no!" and a sea of raised middle fingers to boot! Yikes. If that wasn't enough, the book facilitator sent me an email saying she'd like to coach me to improve my confidence, build my audience, get my message out to more people, etc. That tidal wave swelled into a tsunami... Oh shit. The despicable aspects flared with rage, reminding me of similar offers I've gotten from business coaches, etc. The darkest aspects are masters of power, manipulation, and self depreciation, so they responded as such "They want to suck on our light for their own success. They think they're above me! Hah, as IF I would ever seek counsel outside of my Source, or have an agenda to "build an audience", that is so OLD ENERGY, yada yada, separation, judgment, blah blah". You get the drift. The funniest thing about these aspects? Well.... they're partially correct. I mean, they contain a great deal of wisdom, they were built and perfected in dealing with agendas, programs, and overlays of consciousness. Often times they are totally correct in course of action, it's just a matter of dissolving all this judgment and old stored up emotions and ingrained reactions.
It's the age old opportunity to transcend fear into love, from reaction to clear action from your wisdom. Duality is not good or bad, it just is. More importantly, we go beyond the illusion into truth. "I am Creator, you are Creator. Namaste ✨ None of this old crap has anything to do with us, so I'm sending a huge ethereal Thank You for poking at my aspects and showing me what was still hiding away in fear and judgment, taking up space in my consciousness." If, in the face of an opportunity like this, you choose to identify with blame, anger, or whatever element of separation, another similar situation will arrive soon to poke you again and again until all that old energy is gone! Yay, let's move it all out!
Now I decided, rather than fall or keep riding this bumpy path through the aspect revolt, to just set my bike down. I tuned into my voice/knowing, which guides every choice in my life, and I declined all offers to meet, write, speak, chat, etc. It was time to disengage from the world and go back to the basics of connecting with myself in breath and presence. Other than a month in Kauai simply being and enjoying, I spent several months doing almost nothing, with no inclination to even look at my new website. I was graced with the presence of Ascended Masters I had not worked with in this life, Indian sages that had mastered nothingness and as they melded with me, I sunk deeper into silence. My bike basically laying on the path most of the time & me doing God-knows-what every day.
After a couple months of this nothingness, that mind started up again. "We need to create something! Gotta go, gotta go, what are we doing?". Every other day it would come up with some new idea. Half of them were part-time jobs just to get out of the house (i.e. get away from myself and seek external gratification). My essence continually nudged me to let go of these ideas. The mind kept at it, like a squirrel gathering nuts. I started to jot down segments for a breath series to be filmed for my website, and I was very suddenly sitting in a circle of Ascended Masters. "Will you please just give it a rest? Just 6 months, that's all we ask. Set it all aside for 6 months. Take a vacation. Retire. Can you do that? Can you see all the seeking to create from the mind?". I finally surrendered again, to myself, another thing I've done over and over on this path.
Over the next couple months, I spent an immense amount of time sitting in presence. Bus loads of children came in for integration. Many of them just dissolved before my eyes, leaving the mind feeling a little useless. In addition, old soul fragments from past lives were coming home that were still tethered to the childhood aspects. This all happens with bouts of sudden but expedient sobbing & loads of sleep. I don't have a schedule, so everything ebbs and flows however, whenever. I have many journal entries from my essence reminding me "nothing to do, relax, be patient and gentle with yourself". I had unexpected moments of heading to a park for a swim, a walk, farmer's market, a roller coaster ride, etc., but a lot more time spent doing nothing, or watching YouTube consciousness channels or an occassional Netflix show for some laughs. Damn, speaking of laughs, even this story is feeling so serious like I felt during this time!
Deep cleaning can feel incredibly serious and turbulent, like a ride in the washing machine with my dirty laundry! I feel all the energy of these aspects flinging around and hardly remember how I felt so clear and light earlier. Who was that clear, bright person? Everywhere I went, it felt like people were judging, laughing, scorning, gossiping, staring in disgust, etc. Some of the past lives were tormented and killed in brutal and grotesque ways, so it was understandable, but gosh it can feel brutal. It really takes determination to feel all this, remember it is not you, keep opening up, walk outside, and engage with others. But as soon as I do engage with others, poof, I feel fine! It's a strange tango, this integration. I'm so, so grateful I was invited to take vacation time! It's not the vacation most dream of, but this transformation is really the ultimate dream come true for us adventurous souls commanding resolution of the old and simultaneously stepping into explore new energy, new life, new earth. All of this brought me to my immense curiosity and deeper exploration of catching balance.
Old energy has such a profound gravity and addictive quality, and the ego is a master of disguises. Sometimes we get stuck for a while when we go to clear something deeply ingrained. The very thing you went in to clear starts clouding your vision, seeping back into old energy patterns that feel so real and comfortable, like an old veil being replaced over 20/20 eyesight. On the other hand, when I've cleared something very old completely, I find the mind gets alarmed, looking for the old reaction or emotion that simply no longer exists. When my Dad passed away, the old energy between us had already been dissolved, leaving me feeling virtually no emotion beyond the initial sobbing in the moment of his passing. For weeks, the mind was seeking and searching to be certain that I wasn't suppressing, like my old human pattern to deny emotion at any cost. Some teach that we need to really delve into the depths of emotion, to wallow, feel it, explore it, keep at it. Of course we need to be willing to feel whatever presents, but how do we feel it without spending unnecessary time in gunk land? As my latest round of aspect integration was wrapping up, I found myself wondering "do I go left or right? Do I delve back in, or hop out of this? Am I avoiding something if I hop out? Can I speed things up by diving back in with a shovel? Should I just sit here and watch?". I saw myself approaching another old familiar landmark I will call "Froze-n Confused". I really felt like I was sitting on a wall & I could easily fall backwards into the depths or jump forward with some determination. I definitely don't want to hang in Froze-n Confused land for too long, cuz I might not thaw out until next spring!
Well, you probably can see where this is going, but I hadn't yet. The fog was still in my eyes! I sat down and said "OK, let's do an experiment! Let's really just go into the ego, give it a voice, welcome it. Aspects, all you ego stuff come forth and tell me how you feel!!! Lay it on me! Don't hold back!". Holy moly - I have a journal page with lots of swear words. Yikes. Before I knew it I was crying and feeling a bit tormented, like I was back in the spin cycle. Damn it, hmmm... Now what?? I realized that a webcast was just about to start from the facilitator I had worked with during my awakening & I thought maybe I can get his input! I joined just in time, submitted my question and.... Boom, my question was asked! Oh, I love it when everything flows.
I'll shorten and summarize:
Q - How to transcend shame and the anger of separation?
A - 1. Acknowledge we've gone beyond the old actions that created shame & forgive. 2. Come back to yourself, deep conscious breathing, disengage from the world, from space and time, letting everything be cleared out, stay out of the head and in the heart. 3. Anger? Why do you, as Creator, the one who created all these decisions/judgments, why do you keep going back to it, giving your power away, letting the world define you?
Ouch, yes, that's exactly the kick in the right direction that I was asking for.
Finally, we get to a point of choosing - Do I want to go play in the swamp? I can't complain about going back in for a swim here and there with duality, for it has made it clearer and clearer that I just do not want to play there any longer! Also, we can keep hopping in and out until it feels quite easy to toggle back and forth, but the preference is unmistakably clear.
One of my favorite tips, from one of my favorite books, Act of Consciousness, is "Hop to a new star". It's just such a simple and profound shift of consciousness when we snap our fingers and choose our reality. Reality starts inside - in your internal world, regardless of the outside world. I've fallen over, skinned my wrists and bruised myself a few times only to realize I can just hop to a new star. No thoughts, no figuring it out, nothing but a single snap and you can be there, in total presence and perfection. How blessed we are to have this ability, and it's available to everyone on the planet, you just claim it and do it.
This story has been writing itself in my heart for the past day, and as it unfolds, it gives me such a gift of clarity, a birds eye view. So, I write as a result once again of that flow and nudge, in what feels like wonderful enjoyment of my own integration, and perhaps it will also ring a bell with some of you. Here's a few integrated tools I know like the back of my hand and use often to dance with the world:
Disengaging from space/time. Deep conscious breathing, presence, awareness. This truly has the power to dissolve everything & the toughest bits can only really be integrated through the presence of pure Source, I AM, beyond mental involvement.
Lavish yourself with pure, clear consciousness. Whether watching videos, audios, webinars, chatting online, phone calls, the presence of my embodied friends on this journey has been instrumental in my forward momentum. Mass consciousness energy can feel so in-your-face, so keep tuning into and connecting with the new energy.
Master Up. You are God Also, now act like it. Do NOT let that tiny little speck of duality fool you, and certainly don't give your power to it. If you catch yourself in victim or aggressor mode, laugh, and hop to a new star. Choose Mastery again and again and again until it sticks.
Now from your Master Creator star, ask your eternal self what's next. It may involve wallowing in your clear radiance for a while until something arises. Perhaps writing a post, going on an adventure, doing something for yourself that feels selfish or uncomfortable, making a phone call, paying a bunch of money for an event on realization or an extravagant trip. Surely some things you've personally been avoiding, dreading, or secretly desiring might come forth... hint hint.
Self Love, patience & care: Baths, nature, turning your phone off, sleeping, saying no to outside events, walks, music, singing, doing absolutely nothing, talking to other people for that human connection, or saying no to people that drain you, whatever feels good to the core, just do it. Never ever ever ever EVER judge yourself.
P.P.S. What is acting like God also? Compassionate, clear, benevolent and fearless. Seeing every one and every thing as a facet of the same Source, just with unique and funky little pretend identities, some more fun than others, but really appreciating all of creation. I AM LOVE ❤
Most importantly through all of this, I know that I need not lose balance to test the waters and test myself any longer. At some point we say "I am done with this now". I know that I can sit on the bike with ease, which is like having all of my awareness in my heart and senses without getting pulled into any thoughts. I can watch and feel all the old gunk AND be firmly rooted in my awareness that I AM THAT I AM. I need not leave my throne. I mean, let's be really honest. I, as Creator, would never even consider giving my power or energy away to minuscule thoughts, duality, drama, egos, silly human things. I couldn't even fathom shrinking into that limited reality. I even invented the space for creation and duality to arise within!
So let's just acknowledge that staying here will feel absolutely arrogant and pompous to the mind. It is accustomed to the human patterns of lowly and meager identities, or the "big identities" being that of ego power and dominance, or the alluring human identity of shrinking down to join other people in the duality party of drama and trauma. So, I will choose to be expansive and majestical, or maybe daft and nutty, for it's really all about my freedom from human identities and ultimately my unabashed radiance, love and enjoyment! If you've made it through this long story, chances are you and I are on the same jet stream, the journey of all lifetimes, so remember to savor and enjoy it... even through the slips and falls! Now get back on that damn bike. Namaste ✨