My Experience

I use the term "Self" in place of whatever you choose to call the undefinable source of all that is, from the perspective that I am one with my Creator.  I am a facet of the Creator in human form.  ("Self" can also be called Soul, Spirit, Source, Creator, Higher Self, God, God Self, Creator Self, I AM presence, etc.).

 

The Fall

By my mid 30's, I had created a picture perfect, successful life, complete with a great career, kids, and marriage.  Still, I never felt fully at peace just being with myself.  I felt like a hamster on a wheel.  My body reflected this state of dis-ease and I was tested and treated for many ailments over the years, including a long list of antidepressant meds that I'd occasionally try and then stop within 6 months.  Nothing made a truly, lasting difference.  I was not even aware of a true, authentic Self.  I ignored my feelings until I came to a breaking point within my mind and body.  If you relate to any of this, I'd urge you not to be a stubborn as I was, and start following your heart now.  I can see that I made this transformation a lot rougher than it needed to be.  We are all sovereign beings with unique journeys, but following the call of your true Self will always provide the most graceful and loving path available to you.      

  

I was full-on living as an ego with a shiny life and a nice paying corporate management job.  I had zero passion for my work, and I went through the motions for a great paycheck, title, and incredibly easy desk job.  Part of the ease in this work is that it’s mostly superficial and requires a lot of manipulation skills, kinda like putting on a mask and playing a game every day.  I enjoyed the game for entertainment and monetary value.  In hindsight, the best part was truly the people I met along the way.

​

I never learned how to understand and resolve emotions.  As a result, I  was never very honest with myself about how I felt and I stayed busy to avoid feeling anything.  I enjoyed people, but always kept them at a safe distance.  Being vulnerable and discussing deep emotions made me very uncomfortable.  I wasn’t religious or spiritual, but as the pressure of my unresolved emotions began to grow along with my doctor bills, I read a book about consciousness written by Eckhart Tolle.  It suddenly felt like my life was a just a bunch of fake identities and constructs!  No wonder it felt so empty.  I read that book many times within a year.  As I began applying the concepts to my personal and professional life, I felt peace and freedom within myself for the first time.  Around the same time, a book about reincarnation fell into my hands.  As I read it, it was as if I almost remembered that I have been here before.  I could truly sense that "I have always been" beyond this human expression and my whole perspective of this singular life began to change.  I continued to seek, and a whole new metaphysical world opened up, which was mind blowing to me at that time, yet seems completely natural or obvious to me now.  How had I been so unconsciously going through the motions of life?  The journey I would end up taking, following my heart instead of my ego, seemed so foreign back then.  I thought following your heart was some fluffy crap that hippies talked about!  Follow your heart.  What does that even mean?   

​

I became aware that I had been living as the reflection of ancestors, parents, teachers, friends, coworkers, society, and media.  I had no idea who I was authentically.  I was afraid to even look inside - probably a lot of scary crap in there!  What a mess.  I began to sift through layer upon layer of beliefs, fears, attachments, false identities, and a mountain of buried emotions.  At this point, I had been taking a combo of antidepressants, anxiety, bipolar and ADD medications for 2 years.  I kept taking more to no end and no relief.  I was taking so much of everything that my doctor was concerned about my body and sent me for a series of tests to ensure I wouldn't keel over from a heart attack.   I was so exhausted I could barely make it to work each day and I would wake up at night in a pool of sweat each night and felt always that I was barely hanging by a thread.  Ironically, I still appeared cool, calm and successful on the outside with my great life.  I always worked out regularly, ate organic before it was common, practiced yoga and Ayurveda, even meditation and breath work, but I was missing the key ingredient - Who Am I? Why Am I Here?  

 

I always wanted to avoid my feelings as much as possible, to plow through life ignoring those pesky emotions, so I asked for more and more medication to avoid the inevitable task of facing my fears.  Once I realized these meds were suppressing the very emotions I needed to acknowledge, I weaned myself off everything within a few months.  This is not a "how to" guide.  I totally went off the rails in my typical "rip the bandaid off as quick as possible" style.  I also decided to discontinue taking pain pills, muscle relaxants and all OTC and Rx medication, and stop going to any doctors.  I became obsessed with this knowing that my Self, my Essence and my Body could heal everything inside and out.

 

In 2013 and 2014, I spent over $10,000 dollars on facilitators, programs, soul readings, mediums, multidimensional healers, energy work, books, naturopaths, herbs, supplements and on and on.   I even took several energy courses to learn to do energy work, herbal healing, quantum healing and more.  In hindsight, it was all perfect to flood myself with spiritual information, some of it flashy hoopla, but all of it truly helped to open my mind that life is definitely not what it seemed.  I learned many techniques and philosophies that carried me through the next few years, but ultimately I learned that the key is going direct with my Self.  There is no external substitute for connecting with your own essence, intuition, and knowing.  

 

Since I could still barely get out of bed and function like a typical human, it was easy to surrender to the process.  I meditated and breathed in silence for hours every single day, asking the same questions that were haunting me to the core:  "Who Am I?  What am I?  Why am I here?”.   I stubbornly refused to stop asking and listening.   I recall many times declaring to God, Universe, Self, with certainty, "I will sit here and listen until this body rots and dies but I won't stop until I get an answer!".  I already had a bit of an intense "dog with a bone" energy at times, but in this case I was not really able to function, to parent, to work, and my body breakdown was coupled with panic attacks and I was losing my mind as reality seemed to keep tilting sideways.  Ask and you shall receive.  The truth was indeed buried within me.  I knew beyond any doubt that I came here to embody my eternal Self in human form.  That was the whole point of my human journey in this lifetime!  Everything else was secondary to this awakening and embodiment, to my constant connection to my true Self.  

​

I immediately quit my job of 22 years and cashed out half of my retirement account.  Screw the penalties!  I was going to do what I came here to do, or I'd die trying.  No words can remotely describe the desperation that I felt at this this point.  Actually, it was much more than desperation.  There was something new brewing inside of me, bubbling up through the despair, something totally new, yet totally familiar.  I would see this speck of light in my mind's eye and I refused to let that speck go as it seemed to be the light of my soul.  I would hold it in my moments of despair.  I would feel it.  I would breathe it in and I knew all was well.  I knew I would follow it to no end.  There was an intensity and excitement growing within me, and it was my true Self starting to arise!  I was utterly obsessed with knowing my true Self intimately.

​

It was the last week of December, 2013, and having just quit my career of 22 years, it felt like a huge Christmas and New Year’s celebration!  I told everyone I was retiring until I found a job I loved so much I'd never want to retire!  I was only 38 and now I was free!  It was a fun week while it lasted, but the party ended abruptly.   My body collapsed and I spent most of the next 2 years in bed.  I very quickly realized that true healing, mental or physical, happens from within and it takes linear time.  My body had a great deal of old energy to release and a lot of rebuilding to do from the inside out.  

 

I began to work with William Linville, a Walk-In facet of Creator that had transcended physical blindness, heart attacks, and paraplegia, transforming the body back to total health.  He was a fully integrated, embodied human that would rarely give me answers, and always guide me out of judgment, into clarity and back to my own knowing.  He also provided something priceless - a living example of what was possible.  His endless patience and purity of heart assisted me greatly and is still an example of what I aspire to emulate in my own way.  Before this connection, I had been seeking answers and healing from outside of myself.  Working with others was the perfect means to get me to this point, but nothing else felt right for me now, except full trust in my Self as a facet of Creator in human form.

 

The Rise

Following your heart often makes no logical sense, or even seems completely illogical based on what we've been taught or experienced in the past.  This journey would require naive trust and confidence in my true Self.  It would require a trust in my senses and feelings above my intellect and a trust in the unseen.  Many refer to this a faith in God or a Higher Power.  For me, this trust came from a feeling inside that went against everything my mind could conjure.  I learned that whenever I had a feeling to move in a certain direction, and the mind had zero ability to rationalize its validity, this was my intuition (Self) coming through.  

​

I also learned a very simple principle that can be found in nearly all Eastern and ancient medicines, but has been so suppressed in society today.  Every emotion I had created was stored in my body.  This dense energy was taking up space where my true essence was meant to be.  Every time I had judged something as good or bad, and created an emotional energy within myself, I had given a part of my true, clear energy away.  This is what had ultimately created the breakdown in my mind and body.  I knew that if I were willing to release my judgments and beliefs, the body and mind could transform to a natural state of wellbeing.  How would I go about releasing all of this?      

​

The hardest job I ever encountered was surrendering!  To allow the light of my Self in, I had to stop working, thinking, problem solving, controlling, worrying, and completely surrender.  This goes against virtually everything we've been taught about survival, and the ego will do anything to avoid a true surrender.  I had been home for a couple months now, and I was mostly bedridden.  I had become a complete recluse and could barely function.  I had a tremendous amount of fear about ever being healthy enough to work again.  How would I pay the mortgage and what would happen to my kids?  They were with me every other week and mostly taking care of themselves by now.  Maybe I actually would die trying after all?  It started to seem quite likely.  From this space of hopelessness and flat-out exhaustion, I came to terms with death.  I faced the fear of death to the point of acceptance and released my attachments to this world, saying my ethereal goodbyes to kids, family, friends, and the whole ride.  

 

I so clearly recall the day that I drew a very firm line in the sand, on my carpet actually.  I stepped over it, looked up to the sky and declared:  "The ball is in your court now.  I AM DONE.  I'm ready to die if that's the plan.  I don't really even care anymore, but if there's one great reason I could see living for, it would be to help other people so no one else has to feel this f*ing miserable."  I meant every. single. word.  I already felt like death anyway with so much physical pain and emotional despair.  I was pissed off, frustrated, confused, scared as hell, and completely out of options.  I couldn't fight for life anymore even if I tried.  I was completely out of juice.  I finally surrendered and I have no doubt that it saved my life.  This pivotal moment can so easily be misconstrued, so I want to clarify one thing.  I wasn't surrendering to fear, to the mass consciousness, to the opinions of others... It might seem that way, but I was following my knowing that for me, it was necessary to surrender all my fight and control, and to trust my Self completely. 

 

I felt worse than ever, but it was truly a result of so much old energy clearing my system.  My body had done a great job of tucking the emotions deep within so they would not affect my every day life, and as these previously suppressed emotions released, I felt more awful than ever.  At one point I even became aware of a deep belief that I was "broken beyond repair".  As with all beliefs, I let that one go too.  If anything, I chose to believe that miracles beyond my wildest dreams were indeed possible and coming into form.  

     

For the first time in forever, I really slept.  True surrender is exquisite!  Oh did I sleep!... and sleep... and sleep...  When I wasn't sleeping, I was usually meditating, breathing, listening to audios, going for short walks, and connecting with mySelf.  I guess you could say that I simply chose to live for today and refused to worry about the future.  Sometimes I stayed up all night watching a Netflix series, or watched light sitcoms just to escape the intensity of the continual process of unravelling all the emotions and beliefs that were not me.  An important aspect of surrender was completely letting go of battles, judgement and control in the outside world.  I accepted everyone and everything as is, especially myself.  I chose to love and acceptance above all, in every area of my life, which transforms the mind and body into a harmonious state.  As for other people, money, the world, I would tell myself perhaps a hundred times some days "it is what it is, and it's not about me".  I let go of the outside world.  I let go of every conflict, judgment, concern, etc. with every one and every thing.  Most importantly, I mostly stayed in the always "now" moment of my infinite breath and feeling my eternal presence.  I would breathe and feel for hours and hours, in pure silence.  When you are constantly here, now, in your body, it is in a constant state of regeneration.  This principle is so simple that it is often overlooked.  

​

Nearly 2 years after quitting my job, the body had completely healed on it's own!  I had learned to connect with various aspects of myself and creation beyond the physical.  I felt a renewed passion for life.  I was teaching a few yoga classes per week, but I still mostly stayed home embodying mySelf, listening to audios, breathing, feeling my true presence, and enjoying my sleep while the body rejuvenated itself!  The most profound thing I came to know, unequivocally, is that judgment is the cause of all distress.  Judgments create belief systems, emotions, separation, and fear.  They also keep our energy or awareness split off in the past or future.  When you judge death, you live in fear of dying or sickness, every single day.  I started to know myself as the awareness of the mind and essence beyond the body, and I had very little fear of death left at this point.  

​

Embodiment of Creator Consciousness

By October 2015, I was feeling more alive than ever with my newly vibrant body, and that's when I had a spontaneous NDE (near death experience) of a massive kundalini awakening during meditation.  I was sitting on my deck on a warm, sunny day, feeling deeply within my body, and an immense darkness began to arise from my core.  It felt as if every last vestige of fear within my body began to consume me, as if it would swallow me whole and annihilate me.  My first instinct was to avoid this sensation, but I took a deep breath and dove deeply into it.  It felt as though my entire being would explode and I felt a tremendous amount of fear and horror.  In the face of the most horrific internal experience I've ever felt, I took a breath and asked my "Higher Levels" (true Self) to take command (whether I lived or died), and I surrendered once again.  I let the darkness consume me and began to collapse into the core of myself.  I allowed myself to fall through what I experienced as innumerable lifetimes and brutal deaths.  It felt as though my body was peeling apart and exploding along with my mind as it was all blown to shreds, until there was nothing left of me.  There was nothing.  

​

My soul level transcended all realms, returning to pure Creator consciousness.  Some refer to this is I AM or Source Consciousness and it is a space of knowing yourself well beyond any physical form whatsoever and an awareness of yourself everywhere, everything, every time, as All That IS.  Most NDE stories are similar and beautiful.  The best way I can describe my experience in a nutshell is one of total relief, by way of release from every form of human fear.  I know my real Self as pure joy, clarity, nothingness, lightness, freedom, passion, love and so much more!  It is completely impossible and utterly inadequate to try and define your true essence, much like trying to define God or the Universe.  The kingdom of heaven is indeed within and without.  It's everywhere and nowhere.  Everything is true and nothing is true.  Life is an endless array of paradoxes.  It's one thing to read about these things, and it's another thing entirely to experience it for yourself.  The NDE was easily the most horrific experience I've ever had and also the best day of my life.  I experienced a huge, tangible shift in Consciousness and perception of my Self and the world.  The best part about the horror and fear, is that I experienced it so deeply to release it, and to see how it's just a creation of human consciousness, a temporary perception of the mind, and nothing at all to do with what is real and everlasting.  From the human perspective, I would describe our true, eternal expression as light or love.  My truest form as I know it today is simply pure, eternal awareness which feels like clear, pure, free nothingness.  This nothingness is experienced as pure joy in the body.  

​

From my state of nothingness, I streamed back into my body like a song flowing into the heart, lungs, and every cell.  I've never felt so grateful and excited to have a body!  I was sooooo elated to have a body!!  Upon returning from my true state, it took me a bit to even recognize what a human body was, including the vision from human eyes and how to move the fingers!  It felt so foreign after spending an eternity in my true form.  Although I could see that my heart had only stopped beating for seconds, I spent eternity "on the other side" because I was beyond space and time.  Outside of time, my Self was sorta rearranging the human body's energy structures, compartmentalizing certain emotional constructs, and putting some linear plans into place for my complete deconstruction of the old conditioning, patterns, and life situations and to reclaim the rest of my split soul facts for full integration through the physical.  

 

I returned with a total knowing that everything is okay and always has been, not just in my life, but in the whole world.  I saw myself cruising to earth for the first time with a particular soul group.  Wow!  What intentional rebels we were to come here for our very first incarnation, with new energy, and help break up the old, crusty familial and societal systems.  I could see the magnetics of the world, universe, and my life, and how/why everything had happened, and was happening.  This knowing created such a feeling of relief, and sent the human body into hours of crying and laughing as it released all the stored emotional energy around fear and survival.  The truth shall set you free.  For weeks to come, trying to fit in with the world felt absurd!  I would lock myself in my master bathroom to laugh hysterically about eternal, Creator Beings, forgetting who they are and living in this nutty hypnosis of the illusion of death, fear, lack and survival.  I mean, we have never been harmed, never been born, never died - the rest is much like a simulation in a video game.  The only problem is when we begin to identify as the body and this one teeny, tiny form we are in temporarily, and of course - we all forgot who we really are!  This creation is truly magnificent and mind blowing to where the beauty is found in accepting the mystery of it all, totally incomprehensible.  The funny thing is, as I type this, I cognitively remember almost no details because true knowing comes in an instant and you just know the scope of something so vast that it would take the mind years to read, conceptualize and memorize. 

​

This life seemed like a dream that happened in one blink of an eye.  I felt like this body was just a grain of sand on an endless beach of sand, not such a big deal anymore.  I even felt mostly not human, like I could be a blade of grass or leaf in the wind, totally free from human concerns.  It was a bit of a challenge to interact with people.  I had basically lost my ability to identify with fear or human roles, but I could feel the gravity of other people's identification constructs sucking me back to 3D reality, so it was easier to stay clear and integrate this expanded consciousness with minimal interaction with the outside world.  Having this Universal perspective, I simply could not pretend to agree with old judgments, beliefs, or emotions, and I didn't yet know how to translate my knowing into words and conversations.  I also felt very ungrounded and uncertain within myself, meaning, I didn't really understand the scope of my experience.  I was still swimming in it so fully that it was engulfing my awareness and my linear mind, the critical thinker, was feeling very uncertain about the whole thing - totally understandably so!   I chose to spend much of the next few years alone, quietly integrating this clarity into my body, mind, and personal life.  I continued to take Mastery courses from my facilitator and even found another resource I highly recommend, the Crimson Circle.  

 

One of the most beautiful, immediate outcomes from my NDE, was distinctly seeing and feeling the pure Creator light in everyone.  I felt the most unbelievable love and compassion for myself, and every person who crossed my path.  I continued to teach a few yoga classes and did a bit of caregiving work for the next several years.  I slowly learned how to articulate my awareness of energy, magnetics, and situations as appropriate and when asked.  I especially realized that I need not share my awarenesses unless specifically asked, and I can simply enjoy everyone and everything just as is.  

 

A very important part of this shift included learning how to honor myself first and foremost.  Human love can be a fluffy, superficial thing, but the magic happens when you realize that love is all about honoring yourself first by walking your path without giving way to fear, opinions, etc.   It's another paradox to be selfless, to command life be from "Thy Will of my Creator Self", not the will of the little opinionated Self, and living full on the passion and expression of that Self while at times the outside world judges you or pulls on you.  Walking beyond conditioning requires all your courage and resilience.  Many preaching of love act like doormats, martyrs, saviors, preachers, or warriors, empowering emotional identities, and this couldn't be further from the true, clear expression of your majestic, Creator Self.  I learned to value the immense worth of following my inner knowing, to stop compromising my true feelings, and follow my own heart's desires, instead of giving anything to the egoic wantings of others.  If you are bold enough to shove everyone else's opinions and projections into the fireplace and let it burn to ash, you will find your true compass has always been inside your own heart, clearly guiding you.       

​

Here and Now

My journey has been about releasing everything that’s not really me, while simultaneously embodying my Self.  Every time we stick some "other energy" into our body of consciousness, we give away a piece of our Self.  I've simply been recollecting mySelf all this time.  What a strange system here, to forget who we are, only to recollect and remember!  Heck, I'm not even really this "Cathy" character - I have a name in light, AnKaRa!  My truest "form" is pure light.  I'm a full time spirit also having a tiny human experience!  

 

I came back here with a passion for embodying more of mySelf and assisting others to do the same, mostly just by being myself.  When I asked "what is my MAIN purpose in this world?", the answer I received was simple:  ENJOY, ENJOY, ENJOY!  When we follow our joy and allow our natural expression, beyond the confinement of all the societal rules, we are living our true purpose.  I am the sun, you are the sun, so let's just let our light shine regardless of how it's received by anyone.  When we learn to love and accept everything about ourselves, and embody the love that we are, our natural expression bursts forth, which creates most exquisite sensation of joy!  This radiant joyful expression also purifies everything in its path, so we no longer worry about other people's energies, or mass consciousness energies.   Energy from outside is no longer taken in.  As we become the portal to our Source essence, this pure energy, pure love is all radiated outward.   Dense energies just fizzle away in our presence.  We become a living, walking, breathing gift without lifting a finger because we're constantly energetically purifying the planetary matrix, including the dense energies of all humanity, and everyone that crosses our path.  

​

The Body

As for my human body, it's been a decade since I've seen a doctor, simply because my body has regained and maintained a beautiful state of health and vibrancy.  Nothing I share is ever intended as medical advice, and I'll be the first to see a doctor if my body needs it.  I am in constant, direct communion with my body and I provide it with whatever it asks for... most of the time - I'm still human!  I do my best to give it the movement, rest, relaxation, nature, fun, and sustenance it asks for.  Your body has its own innate wisdom and knows exactly what it needs to rebalance itself.  Your body, much like your true Self, is always sending you information to bring you (body/mind/spirit) into natural alignment.   You could say my body is my number one priority because I couldn't be here without it!  My story is not a how-to guide, it's just the way things unfolded for me after years of suppression and separation from myself.  I do not recommend suppressing your feelings and internal knowing until your body and mind hit a breaking point!

​

The Mind

My mind, which is intrinsically related to the health of my body, is now clear and quiet for the most part.  It is a tool for my true Self to utilize to my benefit, when and as desired.  At one point, I felt victimized by the incessant thoughts and stories, but now I am the Master and the mind is my tool.  I feel blissfully high on life at times and it is exquisite.  Of course, I have moments of feeling emotions clearing from my cellular structure and I'm quite aware of the intense emotional energies in the world, but I don't fear, judge, or fight these sensations that are part of the human experience.  Sometimes deep sobs and tears release from the body and I just let it flow, no need to know why.  Sometimes the body twitches and contracts muscles to realign energies, and as always I trust the body knows best.  

 

Regardless of anything and everything, there is an underlying current of infinite love and contentment within my Being.  Even when heavy emotions release or the body has a physical pain, there is an inner embrace of this presence that I can't really explain - you just have to find out for yourself - yippee - but it's there holding me and I actually kinda love the heavy times now as much as the light ones!  I no longer create and embody heavy emotions, because I don't judge anything as good/bad, right/wrong; or create expectations, agendas, or identifications.  I do what I'm nudged to do, or what I know to do, or what I feel passionately excited to do and then, let everything unfold from there - no plans for the future, no goals, no control.  If my house burned down today and my website was shut down and I was homeless and penniless, it would just be the start of a new adventure filled with surprises to come!  In 2017 I actually did release all my physical belongings quite excitedly and set off with the sum total of my life in my car, staying with friends and family for a year.  It wasn't all sunshine and roses - it was an intense time with deep energies clearing as I let go of who I had perceived myself to be, and physically embody more of what I AM.  This is how we let creation take the reins and deliver what many call miracles and magic.  Life becomes a serious of surprises and gifts.  When I see others in worry, fear, anxiety, stress, or depression, it encourages me to share my story because it is entirely possible for you to shift your perception and live this way too. 

​

Infinity in Every Moment

From the time I read my first book on consciousness, it took me almost 2 decades to write this story in full confidence of my true Self, and my unique passion for expression and for assisting others.  When you embody your light, you automatically and effortlessly affect the world with your presence alone, just by naturally being your Self.  If you are amidst a great change or challenge, be patient with your human self and stay committed to your true Self.  The best things here on Earth truly do take time, courage, and commitment.  Everything you need is within, but I know that change can feel overwhelming, so I offer my assistance to anyone facing a struggle - whether spiritual, religious or just a person uninterested in all the manmade systems like I was, and still am!  I am not affiliated with any system or group, although I have enjoyed dancing with many of them - they all serve a divine purpose!

 

Life and transformation can seem daunting, but it's more fun and enjoyable when we work together, and when we find others loaded with experience and inspiration that are living life as the embodiment of love, gratitude, joy, and fearlessness.  Remember, you are eternal, so don't take this human life stuff too seriously!  

When you awaken from the human dream, I assure you, you'll have some laughs!  Mostly, you will wish you had loved and accepted yourself more and insisted on enjoying yourself a lot more all along the way.  

​

You are unique and perfect.  

In the eyes of your true Self, you have never done anything wrong.  

You are loved beyond measure.  

You are not alone, and you never have been.  

Be kind and gentle to yourself and don't forget to enjoy the ride.  

 

Smile, this is all a dream :o)   

​

Namaste - The eternal light in me honors the same eternal light in you!

​

💝If you enjoyed this story, check out this interview on Youtube.

​